Sensible Advice for Employers
"We live in the golden age of zombies," writes Ian Frazier. But let's not forget how effective mummies can be as employees. "Mummies are slightly more articulate [than zombies], and they are easier to deal with if they become enraged."
He goes on: "If a mummy starts to chase you, merely pull on a loose end of one of his bandages and spin him like a top, unwinding him until he collapses in a pile of bones."
In particular, I love the moment when Frazier offers an explanation to a workplace incident in which a mummy had an unfortunate accident while operating a large construction crane.
First, you must remember how hard it is to operate the controls of a giant construction crane when one’s embalmed hands are swathed in ancient linen wrappings impregnated with tar-based mummifying substances. The mummy’s fine motor skills are impaired, and this leads to frustration on the part of the mummy, who, after all, was only human. A mummy in this situation is liable to 'act out,' making muffled groaning noises and moving about erratically. The crane then begins to swing wildly, smashing into neighboring skyscrapers.
Despite this, mummies are fine employees—especially when you consider the basic prerequisite of zombies. "Mummies rarely feed on human flesh," Frazier says, "while zombies stuff themselves with it."
He's got a point.
And besides, there really is no way a zombie can sing and dance like this...